Once upon a time, there was a little Michigan Millennial Bohemian named Liberalocks. She went for a walk in the suburbs near the state capitol (Okemos). Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in because she had been taught to be entitled.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of gluten free porridge. Liberalocks was hungry, and without hesitation or consideration for other people’s property, tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
“This gluten free porridge is too hot!” she exclaimed. “How dare someone leave such a hazard lying around! Perhaps I call an agency about this? There must certainly be a law!”
Then, she tasted the gluten free porridge from the second bowl.
“This porridge is too cold,” she said “It’s just not fair! There are standards for food service in this country! And how did my dreadlocks fall into it?!”
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
“Ahhh, this porridge is just right,” she said happily and she ate it all up, leaving the dishes for someone else to clean.
After she’d eaten the gluten free breakfast, she decided she was feeling a little tuckered from all her hard work. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Liberalocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.
“This chair is too big!” she exclaimed. “Is it safe for me? What if I slip to a side and bruise myself? What if I become stuck in the rails?!”
So she sat in the second chair.
“This chair is too big, too!” she whined. “There will be a report I say! There will have to be a committee to look into this!”
So she tried the last and smallest chair, and though it did not fit Liberalock’s strangely shaped oversized posterior very well, it at least hugged her like some bad skinny jeans.
“Ahhh, this chair is just right,” she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!
She cried a little, then told herself that it happened because it was not union made. Anyhow, the imprints of the rails on her hips were starting to fade so this memory could be suppressed quickly enough.
Liberalocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. “What the hell!” She exclaimed. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. (And smelled a little like her boyfriend) Liberalocks fell asleep and began dreaming of the perfect world that she deserved.
As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.
“Someone’s been eating my gluten free porridge,” growled the Papa bear. “I wish they would have finished it”
“Someone’s been eating my gluten free porridge,” said the Mama bear. “I know, but its all we can get at the store anymore. Oh gross, is that hair in it?”
“Someone’s been eating my gluten free porridge and they ate it all up!” cried the Baby bear. “Whoo hoo! can I eat some pie now?”
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” growled the Papa bear. “Do they shower?”
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said the Mama bear. “No. Apparently not. And I might add, there is a lot of hair here too.”
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair and they’ve broken it all to pieces,” cried the Baby bear.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too” said the Mama bear “And that smell!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed and she’s still there!” exclaimed Baby bear. “OMG, is that what they call dreadlocks? And why isn’t she wearing underwear?”
Just then, Liberalocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, “Help!” And she jumped up and ran out of the room. Liberalocks ran down the stairs, opened the door, and ran away into the forest. And she never returned to the home of the three bears.
BUT Liberalocks did manage to get a hold of the authorities who paid a visit to the Bears’ home and cited them for unsafe living conditions prior to removing the cub by social services.
She sued and was awarded $120,000 for the trauma she suffered, and though she entered their home uninvited, it was ruled acceptable under the new occupy/squatters act of 2010. The Bears had to sell their Okemos home to pay the judgment.
Mama bear lost her mind, went on a rampage, and was gunned down by police after killing 24 in the new Michigan Senate building.
Papa bear went into seclusion in the woods and is being monitored by homeland security.